Welcome to Money As If, a personal finance newsletter for people who are so hungry, they could eat Jay Gould.

Today's commodities:

• The pros and cons of investing like Ron Swanson

• The priciest home on Zillow

• A simple halter top

— Jeanine

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IN THESE, OUR (POSSIBLE) END TIMES

Should you buy gold?

It's inevitable. Once the market gets volatile and traditional investments tank, we feel an urge to do out-of-the-box stuff with our money, like keep it in couches, spend it on copious amounts of toilet paper, or heavily invest in gold, which we'll keep buried in several different locations around Pawnee, Indiana.

But should we? The couch and toilet paper strategies, not so much, but gold, that’s a different story.

Why gold gets a good(ish) rap

Gold certainly has its haters, but unlike, say, meme coins, it's largely considered a respectable alternative investment — for a few reasons. First, it's an uncorrelated hedge.

“When the stock market dips, gold's value often moves in the opposite direction," says Daniel Gleich, CEO of Madison Trust Company. As a result, many financial professionals view it as a "safe haven" investment: a buffer against inflation and a good diversification tool.

Second, though relatedly, given human perceptions, gold is pretty much guaranteed always to be worth something. So, while prices can go up and down, they're generally more stable than other alternative investments, like derivatives or cryptocurrencies.

“I’ve watched inflation crush purchasing power, markets break under pressure, and central banks print trillions,” says Brandon Thor, CEO of Thor Metals Group. “Gold never defaulted. It never went to zero. It holds value through chaos. That’s why I own it personally and why I recommend it to anyone serious about preserving long-term value.”

And yet …

Gold isn’t exactly a straightforward, slam-dunk purchase. For starters, there are lots of ways to buy it — and lots of reasons to, as well. Let’s assume no one here is looking to hoard jewelry.

Setting that option aside, physical coins, bars, and other bullion are sold as investments, sure, but some products are merely collector’s items. And if you’re unfamiliar with reputable sellers or brokerages, you could easily confuse the two, buy inferior products, or fall prey to straight-up scams.

Buying physical gold also carries ancillary costs. Namely, you have to pay to insure and, usually, store it, lest you want to risk someone stealing your treasure. (“Purchasing and custody-ing physical gold is a headache that most investors want to avoid,” says Scott Caufield, principal, registered investment advisor at Sophos Wealth Management.)

And then there’s the issue of income, in that gold doesn’t generate any.

“Unlike stocks and bonds, gold doesn’t produce dividends, which can be a potential drawback for income-focused investors,” Gleich says.

Plus, if you’re thinking about wealth-building specifically, it’s important to recognize that stocks have historically delivered higher returns than gold.

Not a bad bet

Generally speaking, though, during the course of my research, I came away with the sense that purchasing gold wasn’t the worst idea in the world. And that it can, in fact, be a solid strategic investment, when made properly and in the right doses.

“Gold can play a role in a long-term, diversified portfolio, especially for people who are already maxing out pensions or [individual savings accounts] ISAs and want a hedge against currency devaluation or inflation,” says Andreas Jones, founder and editor of KindaFrugal. “But it should be a small slice, not the whole pie.”

Best time to buy?

Here's another important caveat, though: You maybe should not buy gold right now, because right now (see opening paragraph), demand is high and, therefore, so are gold prices.

In fact, they reached an all-time high of $3,350 an ounce just last month, and experts were divided on whether there’s still short-term juice to squeeze.

"I remember watching gold prices surge when inflation hit 9%," says Andrew Lokenauth, founder at TheFinanceNewsletter.com and Fluent in Finance blog. "Lots of panicked investors rushed to buy then. That's actually the worst time to do it. The smart money moves in during quiet periods when nobody's talking about gold."

"Now isn't terrible, but it's not great either," Lokenauth adds as current prices remain high relative to gold's pricing history.

How to buy gold

If you're considering adding gold to your financial portfolio now or in the future, experts recommend the following strategies.

• Consider gold-backed investments, like stocks, individual retirement accounts (IRAs), or gold exchange-traded funds (ETFs). That last vehicle, incidentally, got name-dropped the most. ETFs “make it easier to rebalance your portfolio on a quarterly or annual basis,” says Shailesh Kumar, author of The Astute Investor's Calculus.

• Vet all sellers, particularly if buying physical precious metals. Look for licenses, certifications, and proof of a product's authenticity. Also, check to see if they're accredited by the American Numismatic Association (ANA).

• Price-check. Understand the full cost of your purchase, including the spot price, dealer fees, insurance costs, and manufacturing charges. Determine, too, how much the gold costs to store.

• Build positions gradually in lieu of trying to time the gold market. "The best time to buy is as part of your regular dollar-cost averaging in setting up your portfolio," says Caufield.

• Avoid overdoing your allocation. “I structure most client portfolios with a 5 to 7% gold position max,” Lokenauth says. “That's enough to help during rough patches without dragging down long-term returns too much.”

• Stay in it for the long haul. “If you're expecting [gold] to deliver short-term gains or protect you from every kind of economic risk, you're likely to be disappointed,” says Jones.

RECEIPTS

American breakfast

Dad and I went to the local diner for breakfast this week. The prices were higher than I remember them being when I was 22 and ordering eggs after midnight.

The highlight, or lowlight, maybe, was the oddly marketed applewood smoked bacon — two slices for $10 or three for $15 — which my father ordered, hated, and spite-ate on principle.

The meal cost just under $48 with tip, which, I dunno, feels like a lot for a good, old-fashioned American breakfast, but c’est la vie. And, hey, at least, it’s still much, much, much, much cheaper than the Louis Vuitton cafe.

PRICE TAGS

Real estate edition

The housing market is mysterious and important.

🗽$14.4K

the monthly rent for a one-bedroom, one-bathroom, 1,797-square-foot apartment in New York City, which remains the least affordable market for renters. Comes fully furnished, though, with pieces from Arhaus and Restoration Hardware.

🏓 $16.2K

what you’d pay each year in HOA fees to live in this $395K two-bedroom, two-bath condo in West Palm Beach, Florida. Amenities include a private beach, saltwater pool, gym, gated security, and pickle-ball courts. Plus, new hurricane-proof windows!

🇺🇸 $17.3K

what you’d pay each year in property taxes to live in this $949,000 three-bedroom, three-bath home in Montclair, New Jersey. The Garden State has famously high property taxes.

🐎 $75K

for a football-field-sized plot of land (1.3 acres) in Lincoln County, Montana. Population 19,677. Livestock, horses, and homestead permitted.

💰 $83,380

the down payment you’d need to buy a house in line with the current median home price in the U.S. ($416,900), assuming you want to put down a 20% down payment.

🏰 $120M

for the most expensive home I could find openly listed on Zillow: a nine-bedroom, 13-bath, 14,941-square-foot Bel Air estate that includes a resort-style pool, guest house, wine cellar, gym, and home theater. You know, the basic human essentials.

Buying a home in 2025 is … complicated. Here are 50 things to know if you’re thinking about making the investment.

FRESH GREEN

Nowadays, most financial takes are boilerplate. These aren't.

• I enjoyed this read from The Ringer on how Americans (or millennials, specifically) got tricked into routinely ordering $15 Big Salads bowls for lunch, even though the experience of eating one is subpar at best.

• Service-y, in theory: Where to grocery-shop to avoid tariffs … except the answer is Albertsons and only Albertsons. At least the company owns multiple supermarket chains.

• Everyone’s using ChatGPT to cheat (hack?) their way through college. On one level, that seems like students are wasting their tuition. (If you’re paying over $40K a year to learn, don’t you want to learn?) On another level, maybe colleges are wasting students’ time by failing to teach anything worth learning. Either way, let’s bookmark this for the whole “college-is-now-a-money-pit” conversation.

THIRST TRAP

And, finally, today, in things I would buy if I could, you know, just buy things …

Look 18

I enjoyed the lewks in Another Simple Favor way more than the movie itself, and this Haute Couture Tamara Ralph ensemble, which Blake Lively wears during her wedding welcome party, was, by far, my favorite.

I contacted Tamara Ralph to inquire about the outfit's price solely for research purposes, and, well, the centerpiece —that pink-and-gold rose halter top encrusted with pavé crystals — retails for $52,800. The silk pants cost $18,100, and the satin organza cape, replete with hand-embroidered ostrich feathers, cost $42,900.

So, the whole outfit will set you back a simple $113,800 at least. Boo.

Got questions, comments, receipts, tips, thirst traps, etc. you’d like to share? Send them to [email protected].

_{This article is for educational purposes only. We don’t recommend or advise individuals to buy, not buy, sell, or not sell particular investments or other assets, as everyone’s circumstances are different. Also, it’s your money and ultimately up to you to decide the best use for it.}